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发表于 2014-3-16 21:25
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胶东书院的横幅上写“以文会友”,富山先生肯出手,我不但会到了友,而且还拜了师,痛快! 您最后那句话我记下了,惦记上这一天了。
反复回味比较你我的翻译,有以下体会:
1,押韵不象旧诗那样严格
2,断句好象不是根据语义,而是根据语感?
3,最大的区别在语言风格上。您的句子非常口语化,前后一贯,比较顺畅。相比之下,我的句子半文半白,有点象一个旧教书先生努力将自己装扮成现代青年,却总也无法完全掩盖自己那老去的容颜。这个感觉对吗?
坦白地讲,此前我在网上做过调查,仅见到一个华人老牧师的翻译,不看好,我努力躲开他,可与您相比,我还是更象他。我的山寨能力还是有的,缺的是一个看得见摸得着的样本,这会儿有了,不过,写诗的能力不是短时间能培养出来的,我得循序渐进。下面我把全诗贴上来,您何不全译了,然后我引用您的翻译?
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The Christian's Goodnight
By Sarah Doudney (c. 1871)
[The early Christians were accustomed to wish their dying friends
"Good night," assured of their awakening at the resurrection.]
Sleep on, beloved, sleep and take thy rest,
Lay down thy head upon thy Saviour's breast;
We love thee much, but Jesus loves thee best:
Good night!
Calm is thy slumber as an infant's sleep,
But thou shalt wake, no more to toil and weep;
Thine is a perfect rest, secure and deep:
Good night!
Until the shadows from this earth be cast,
Until He gathers in His sheaves at last,
Until the twilight gloom be overpast:
Good night!
Until the Eastern glory decks the skies,
And they that sleep in Jesus shall arise;
And He shall come, but not in lowly guise:
Good night!
Until made beautiful by love divine,
Thou in the likeness of thy Lord shalt shine;
And He shall bring that golden crown of thine:
Good night!
Only "Good night," beloved, not farewell;
"A little while," and all His saints shall dwell
In hallowed union indivisible:
Good night!
Until we meet again before His throne,
Clothed in the spotless robe He gives His own;
Until we know Him e'en as we are known:
Good night!
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